Only Human

I have been home from the hospital for 6 days now, but it seems like ages since I was struggling through my physical therapy sessions and trying to eat the hospital food. It's hard to know where to start with my story, but I will do my best to stick to the facts and keep it as short as possible.

I have lupus. I started receiving infusions of Benlysta in March. Benlysta is a fairly new lupus medication and has done amazing things for some patients, but does have some adverse side effects. For me, the side effects really kicked in at the end of May with dizziness, headaches and nausea. I was unable to work and went on short term disability. As June and July wore on, I became more fatigued and weak. What I failed to tell anyone, even the people closest to me (Ron and my girls included), just how sick I really was. I was in denial because I wanted so badly for Benlysta to work for me. I will have to say that it did relieve my arthritis pain, chest pain and pleurisy.

Some of the details of what happened next are fuzzy, but here's what happened as I remember and as I have been told. I was getting weaker on a daily basis. I was always thirsty and was having to go to the bathroom every 1 1/2 hours. Since I couldn't walk anymore, Ron was carrying me to the bathroom. My poor husband. Sometime during the first weekend in August, I became delirious and was having hallucinations. I don't remember that weekend at all. On Monday the 6th, Ron took me into my doctor's office and he prescribed Prednisone (a steroid) for me and also gave me a shot of depomedrol - another steroid.  This was in addition to a long list of medications I was already taking...Plaquenil - for lupus; Gabapentin - for pain; Premarin - hormones; Dexamethazone - a steroid -  for dizziness; Amlodipine - for blood pressure; Folic Acid - supplement; Ambien - for sleep; Ativan - for anxiety and sleep; Zofran - for nausea; and Nystatin - for thrush.

Ron took me to the ER at UCSF Medical Center. I don't remember being in the emergency room, but once the doctors started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, things appeared very serious. My blood sugar was 853 - the normal range is 80 - 120.  I was found to have a severe urinary tract infection that had gotten into my blood stream. I was admitted to the hospital and shortly thereafter, had a seizure. I had a second seizure that was witnessed by the doctors and unfortunately, my girls. I was transferred to Intensive Care and during that 5 days I had many diagnostic tests - CT scan, MRI, bronchoscopy, EEG. I continued to be delirious, and had terrible hallucinations. Truthfully, I don't remember my days in ICU other than as a nightmare. I have been told that I said many outrageous things to several different people. Maybe it's a good thing that I don't remember that!

During the 17 days I was in UCSF Medical Center, I was visited by teams of doctors from many specialties - rheumatologists, endocrinologists, internal medicine, pulmonologists, infectious disease. It was determined that I had steroid myopathy (Cushing's Syndrome) as well as Type II Diabetes, PCP and Nocardia. The last two are encapsulated fungal infections in the upper lobe of my right lung. As I understand it, the steroids were responsible for most of what happened to me - they caused me to be immuno-suppressed which allowed the fungal infections to settle in my lung, caused the diabetes, muscle weakness, possibly caused the seizures, and probably caused my hair to fall out. 

After 17 days in the hospital, I was transferred to St. Mary's Medical Center Acute Rehabilitation Unit where I stayed for 15 days. I received physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy. I can't say enough about the quality care I received at both hospitals by the doctors, nursing staff and therapists. I feel lucky to be alive and so grateful for the love and support I got from my family. Ron rarely left my side and probably drove the doctors crazy with all of his questions, but he took care of me. Through the worst of it, I have visions of him being there holding my hand. jb flew in from New York and unfortunately I was out of it for most of her visit. Mandi and Beckie were there with me as well. I do remember each of them sitting next to me and holding my hand at different times. My sister, Stef, who is a doctor, flew in from Tucson and helped to take care of me. My cousin/sister Leah was at the house when I got home and cooked several meals that are now in the freezer.

I have been so incredibly overwhelmed by the love and support of my family and friends. I am still struggling with going up the stairs, but am getting a little stronger every day. I use a walker to move around the house, and am starting to be able to do more things on my own. I have MANY follow up appointments with several doctors thru September and October. I am looking forward to the day when things are "normal" again. I am determined to take care of myself from here on out and will never take my health for granted again. 

I am sure that I have gotten some of the details wrong, but this is how I remember it. I am on the road to recovery. Great big patches of my hair had fallen out so I asked my friend Denise to cut off the rest of my hair. I still have a "moon face" due to the steroids so together with my bald head, I am quite a sight! Everyone is being very sweet, though, and I have a big assortment of hats to help camouflage my head. 

So, that's my story...

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Sometimes, the people who make movies have a terrible time with the title of the film...This is the kind of title that doesn't inspire people to run out and see a movie. HOWEVER, what a charming little movie this is!

I watched this movie on pay-per-view last week and it was just lovely. Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt, Kristin Scott Thomas and Amr Waked are the main actors in this little film. The story is about a Yemeni Sheikh who deeply desires to create a sustainable environment in his country in which he may fish for salmon. It seems like a silly idea both for the sheikh and for the movie - but trust me when I tell you that it really is a good movie. Along the way, you encounter British politics, a couple of good love stories, comedy, truth, and some intrigue.

I am a fan of both Ewan McGregor and Emily Blunt. They were both very good in this and I give it 2 thumbs up. Please put this on your Netflix cue. It's worth the watch.

Roller Skates

I have been spending a lot of time simplifying my life lately. This means cleaning out drawers, closets, bookshelves, rooms...getting rid of things that I don't need. I have FOREVER been a collector of all kinds of STUFF. Recently, though, I have decided that it's time to downsize, minimize, make my life easier, simpler...less... Local non-profit agencies have been reaping the benefits of my downsizing.

It's very easy to get sentimental about many of the things I am letting go. We moved into this house on Valentine's Day, 2001. Lots of memories, memorabilia, photographs have piled up here along with boxes and bins and bags of "things." So much to sort through! Of course I am saving essentials  - special baby clothes, important books, photos...I haven't totally lost my mind...I might even keep my wedding dress...I haven't decided yet. I did find a place to save the favors from our senior prom - wine glasses with "Here Comes the Sun" printed on them - yes, that was the theme of our prom. Why would I keep those and not the wedding dress? Less space? Like I said, I haven't decided on the wedding dress, yet.

The title of this blog will be changing in the near future.  It will go from "Tales from an (Almost) Empty Nest" to "Tales from an Empty Nest." As the very last chick makes her way from the nest, I am trying to encourage her take whatever she wants...PLEASE! Of course she will take her things, but I don't think she wants any of my junk - even the the "good" stuff. Oh well, it was worth a try. So, there will be more  sorting, stacking, boxing and donating.

I'll bet you are still wondering about the title and photo of this particular blog post - "Roller Skates." Well, here's the story. I turned 40 years old in this house a little over a year after we moved in. It was a great party. On that day, the doorbell rang several times and each time another one of my cousins from Texas or Oregon appeared. It was so overwhelming and WONDERFUL! Of course there were funny gifts like a big purple sun hat, a house dress, Polygrip and a denture cup...there were also flowers and other lovely gifts.

A significant gift came from my eldest daughter, jb. 10 years ago, the shoe company, Skechers had come out with a line of roller skates and I REALLY wanted a pair. In-line skates were all the rage at the time, but I wanted regular roller skates that I could wear and use. These were sneakers with red wheels on them! They had the toe stops and safety features and white shoe laces...I was in love! As I began to put them on, my daughter was HORRIFIED! "MOM...NO! These are a symbol of your YOUTH! You aren't supposed to USE them! They are a SYMBOL!" Are you kidding me?! I had been coveting these skates for months...I really did want them. So I put them them on and my family watched nervously as Ron helped me wobble down the driveway and onto the street. He let me go and off I went....Here is the photographic evidence that this event really occurred...

There is clearly a big smile on my face...it was exhilarating and fun, freeing and ABSOLUTELY FRIGHTENING! I did NOT fall down and hurt myself. And once I took the skates off that day, I NEVER put them on again. Since that day, they had been in the garage living in the bin with volley balls, softballs and other sports equipment that the girls used and I did not. Someone else owns them now, I hope! Someone who can zip around sidewalks and streets with confidence and skill. They were beautiful and for a few moments, gave me a thrill. But the bottom line, they were just a symbol of my youth...10 years later at 50 it was pretty easy to let them go. 

Guilty Pleasures - Summer 2012

For many people, summer is a wasteland in TV. I assume that's why there are all those explosive summer blockbuster movies. However, if you look for them, there are some very good new things out there in TV land amidst the reruns. Here are a few I have found to recommend and only one from Ron....but I will get to that later...

NY Med started this week. It is real-life medical drama based in New York City hospitals for an 8 week mini-series. One of my favorites, Dr. Mehmet Oz was featured in the opening show. The stories are real and sometimes sad, but the healthcare professionals are REAL and so are the patients. Very much worth staying up a little later for....ABC on Tuesdays at 10 PM. Try it - you'll like it!

This is an amazing, well written and cast drama on HBO. It takes real life events from just a couple years ago and molds it into a lesson on politics and what goes on to produce a credible news show. It is just so smart! Here are a few of the actors...Jeff Daniels, Emily Mortimer, Sam Waterston and, oh yes, Jane Fonda (fabulous!) and MANY younger up and coming actors like Dev Patel (Slumdog), Allison Pill, Thomas Sadoski and many others...it's a very fast moving and interesting show. As I said before, the writing is just SMART. New episodes are on Sundays on HBO at 7 pm. Big recommend.

Ok, here comes the GUILTY part of my pleasure list...although I don't feel badly about it at all! I love this show and will always defend it. Where else can you see world class choreographers composing spectacular, sometimes avant-garde pieces for groups of as many as 20 dancers or 2 dances to create real art? The only sad part is that it is a competition show and someone must be voted off every week. I don't vote to keep someone on or off the show. I just love the variety of dance types and marvel at the talent of both the dancers and the amazing choreographers they pull together to make this show one of my absolute favorites! Watch it on Wednesdays on Fox at 8 pm.

I don't know anything about the designer's this year or what the themes are, but it's got Tim Gunn and silly Heidi Klum and there will be gorgeous clothes and terrible clothes and outrageous challenges and maybe the designers will have to make an outfit out of dental floss or bottle caps or power cords or sea shells or old banana peels and then as designers, they will have to stand in front of the the judges and argue about artistic vision as the banana peels melt off their haute couture gowns....it's all incredidibly ridiculous and fun. Ok, I'm sure they won't use banana peels, but there will be something silly and there will be beautiful clothes that REAL women will will never be able to wear, but it so much fun to watch. Starts next week on Thursday, July 19th on Lifetime at 6 pm here on the west coast....it's FABULOUS!

And here is the one that I mention for Ron...I DO NOT LIKE THIS SHOW IN ANYWAY SHAPE OR FORM! Yuck. But for some reason, Ron is compelled to watch it. I don't know if it's the backstories of the contestants or the some of the performers...the truly silly judges...how can you take Howard Stern, Sharon Osborn or Howie Mandel seriously about anything? blech. But Ron deserves equal time on the TV, right? I am happy to report that he usually falls asleep about half way through the show and I am able to wiggle the remote control out of his fingers so that I can change the channel, anyway. Is that too wicked?

So, forget America's Got Talent, but do watch the other four....you might like them!

People Like Us

It's big summer blockbuster movie time...THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN...THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (Batman)....ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER...PROMETHEUS...to name a few...so what kind of chance does a beautiful little movie like this stand to make it in the big, bad movie world? Well, I am going to try to help it.

When we got to the theater yesterday, there were all of 10 of us seated for the movie. Uh oh. I had seen one trailer for the movie and a couple adds. But I just had a good feeling about it. Ron knew NOTHING about it, but he loves me and has been doing double time to take care of me lately...so, he said yes to this movie. It totally caught him off guard and he LOVED IT! Just like me.

The problem with reviewing a movie like People Like Us is that you don't want to give away the plot points because they are too good. Just go ahead and trust me when I tell you that it's a good story, well-written, and layered with amazing acting by Chris Pine, Elizabeth Banks, Olivia Wilde, the still stunningly beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer and new-comer Michael Hall D'Addario. The movie started by saying that it was based on true events...ok, ya got me! By the end of the film, I had laughed and cried and just been amazed in general by the quality of the acting. I am really sticking my neck out for this movie because I want you to see it. Really. It's a movie about family. Oh, there is virtually no profanity in it...a little use of medical marijuana and a small explosion if that will help you decide to go. If you don't like it...I'm sorry. This film will definitely be on my top 10 list for the year...near the top!

Moonrise Kingdom

We are smack dab in the middle of the glorious summer movie season and I have been virtually absent from the scene. That's been difficult to say the least, because you know how I love the cinema! (Pretend I said that last statement with a British accent and my nose in the air - for effect, you know...) So many movies are passing me by...

Yesterday, I was determined to go out into the world like a normal person and SEE A MOVIE! We did it! I promise to try not to color the actual film with the sense of achievement that I felt by just getting to theater.

We decided to see Moonrise Kindgom for a couple reasons. I had seen previews for it way back when and it really appealed to me. The cast just lends itself to something different...Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton, Harvey Kietel, Bob Balaban, Jason Swartzman and a gang of unknown, but talented teens round out the cast. They are all so committed to this movie and it's a little gem.

Different, very. Quirky, a lot. Funny, oh yes. I found myself laughing out loud several times during the movie. It is odd, and touching. Set in 1965, it tells the story of 2 troubled young people who fall in love and decide to run away together. Sam and Suzy are beautifully played by Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward. The young lovers are 12 years old, but oh so serious. It reminded me of what it felt like to be that young and so sure of everything. The adults in this story are also quite troubled and how they handle their situations are also sad and touching.

I am not sure what to tell you here now. I loved this movie. For Ron it failed to make a significant point. He says he wouldn't watch it again. I would. The bottom line here, whether or not you want to see the same old formulaic movie or see something different...it was different and I think it's worth seeing. Let me know what you think.

"Because I said so!"

This post is long overdue. Originally, I meant to write this about Mother's Day wishing all my family and friends who are moms a very happy day. Instead it sat here because I wasn't sure at all about what I wanted to say on this topic. I also felt that I had to find a way to offer a public apology to my daughters for every time I used this phrase - "Because I said so..."

It's something I heard my mother say often enough. She had some memorable sayings for us when we asked for something that she wasn't prepared to give us. For instance, one of us would ask for something like a cookie and she would say, "you know, people in Hell want ice water, too!" Or the other thing she used quite often was "tough tittie, said the Kitty, but the milk's all gone!" It's no wonder I grew up a bit warped! Mind you, she wasn't being mean, Mom was just being funny. Except for the "Because, I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO, part. On that score, she was serious.

When my girls came along, I wanted to do everything differently, perfectly, I thought. I am going to be the best mom in the world. My daughters will talk to me about everything and we will be the very best of friends. We will never fight with each other and I would never say "people in Hell want ice water, too!" And I'd rather pull out my tongue than say...BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO!!

But I did it. I used the evil words. Honestly, I don't remember SAYING them, but apparently I did, because all three girls remember hearing them. Well, CRAP! If that wasn't a monumental failure on my part. In my own defense, what I really meant to say was that because I am your mother and I love you and I'm trying to help you make good sound decisions so that you can be happy and successful and go to a good college so that you will have a satisfying career and then meet the partner of your dreams and have wonderful children and then live happily ever after in a comfortable house and have great friends that you entertain on the weekends you should hear me out. Yes. That's what I was trying to say...it just came out in a frustrated, "Because I said so!" Do you think that's what my mama was trying to say, too?

I hereby publicly apologize to my three daughters for every time I used the evil words. I think they have all survived and thrived in spite of it all. In fact, it may have given each one of them a bit of "well, I'll show her..." and that's ok, too.