"There aren’t enough hours in a day…"
…tick…tick…tick…
For awhile I collected clocks. Wall clocks, desk clocks, old pocket watches, even a lead crystal hourglass. As if by owning all these timepieces I could somehow own time and control how quickly my life was slipping away. Ridiculous. I have begun to give away some of these clocks and what remains is a constant reminder of just how silly I can be.
When I was a young girl, all I wanted was to be a mother. I didn’t so much yearn for a boyfriend, a husband or a soul mate…I just wanted a baby. More specifically, I wanted a baby girl. It wasn’t as though as the oldest child of 4 siblings, I didn’t already have the responsibilities of motherhood. I certainly did. And it wasn’t just that by having a child of my own I could right all the wrongs that had been done to me. Yes, that was part of it, too. I knew that a daughter would be my friend. She would know and understand me and in doing so, she would fill my loneliness. What an impossible responsibility for a baby girl.
But back to time. Why is it that when I got everything I wanted (times 3), did I begin to count the days until it would be over? I have always done that. As soon as my girls were born, I began to worry about the day they would leave me. At times, the sadness and panic about this inevitability would take such a grip on me that it would steal away the joy out of an ordinary day. In later years, I would allow my daughters to see the fear and sadness and it would steal their joy as well. There is no excuse for that. I hope they will forgive me someday.
After spending the weekend with two of the three most amazing human beings in the world, I just feel grateful. Although I do miss having my girls (#1 would remind me here that they are all grown women now) with me on a daily basis, I am really going to do my best not to worry and hurry the future anymore. I’m going to enjoy every minute of our visits, phone calls, skype chats, texts and emails…because I’ve got nothing but time…..
…tick…tick…tick…
For awhile I collected clocks. Wall clocks, desk clocks, old pocket watches, even a lead crystal hourglass. As if by owning all these timepieces I could somehow own time and control how quickly my life was slipping away. Ridiculous. I have begun to give away some of these clocks and what remains is a constant reminder of just how silly I can be.
When I was a young girl, all I wanted was to be a mother. I didn’t so much yearn for a boyfriend, a husband or a soul mate…I just wanted a baby. More specifically, I wanted a baby girl. It wasn’t as though as the oldest child of 4 siblings, I didn’t already have the responsibilities of motherhood. I certainly did. And it wasn’t just that by having a child of my own I could right all the wrongs that had been done to me. Yes, that was part of it, too. I knew that a daughter would be my friend. She would know and understand me and in doing so, she would fill my loneliness. What an impossible responsibility for a baby girl.
But back to time. Why is it that when I got everything I wanted (times 3), did I begin to count the days until it would be over? I have always done that. As soon as my girls were born, I began to worry about the day they would leave me. At times, the sadness and panic about this inevitability would take such a grip on me that it would steal away the joy out of an ordinary day. In later years, I would allow my daughters to see the fear and sadness and it would steal their joy as well. There is no excuse for that. I hope they will forgive me someday.
After spending the weekend with two of the three most amazing human beings in the world, I just feel grateful. Although I do miss having my girls (#1 would remind me here that they are all grown women now) with me on a daily basis, I am really going to do my best not to worry and hurry the future anymore. I’m going to enjoy every minute of our visits, phone calls, skype chats, texts and emails…because I’ve got nothing but time…..
1 comment:
mom - i love you. i was always scared about leaving too. and hopefully soon i will get back to ca so that we will all be together again
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